The 12 emotional stages of wearing heels on a night out

Why do we always forget how much they hurt?!

We all know that 98% of our high-heel-wearing nights end with us walking along the pavement barefoot, stilettos in hand, wishing we’d just worn Converse instead.

It’s basic maths: The thinner and higher the heel, the less time you’ll spend in them. Yet every weekend, many of us start the night fully optimistic that we’ll feel like Beyoncé strutting around on stage all night.

Here are the many stages of hell every woman’s been through wearing high heels on a night out…

1. Confusion

The outfit you want to wear looks so much cuter with a pair of heels, but will you last all night in them? Or should you just change your entire outfit…?

2. Communication (i.e. finding out if your friends are wearing heels of not)

A vital move before a night out – if you’re the only one wearing heels, you’re bound to feel overdressed and jealous that everyone is in comfy shoes.

3. Optimism

You’ve made a decision, the heels are on, you’re all ready, your legs look super long. You’ll feel uber elegant, rock heels all night and definitely not fall over.

4. Immediate doubts

Oh god, have you made the wrong decision? With every step away from your house, you consider turning back to put your flats on, but you’re already late due to all that time-consuming shoe decision-making, so you plough on regardless.

5. Feeling like a queen

You walk into the bar/restaurant/club, sky high in your heels and faced with a barrage of compliments – you’re so glad you made the right shoe decision. This stage lasts approximately two hours and if you’re in a club, you’ll definitely be werking it like Rihanna.

6. Denial

You find yourself frequently repositioning your legs, crossing and uncrossing your feet: Yep, that inevitable familiar ache has started in the balls of your feet. The practical part of your brain knows you won’t last the night, while the other side reminds you that Victoria Beckham always wears heels. ALWAYS. You’ll be OK, only five hours of dancing to go.

7. Your feet are on FIRE

The pain has now spread to your heels, soles and toes. You attempt to self-medicate with pain-killers, if you had the foresight to bring them, and make any excuse to sit down, all the while smiling and chatting as if everything’s fine.

8. Alcohol

Denial has stopped working and you’ve moved into full on acceptance. This was a terrible decision. You go to the bathroom just to take your shoes off for a few minutes. Big mistake – putting them back on is 10 times worse. There’s only one this for it: Alcohol.

9. Clumsiness

The problem with mixing booze with losing all feeling in your toes is that you become way more likely to trip over. A few stumbles later and you’re looking at your watch wondering when it would be socially acceptable to call it a night (and ditch these bloomin’ shoes).

10. Deep, deep regret

Why do women put themselves through this? Why do we feel pressure to even look tall and elegant on a night out with our mates? Why do we give into these ridiculous patriarchal ideals? When can I take my shoes off?

11. Sweet, sweet relief

Whichever moment you pick – back at home, inside the taxi, sitting on the pavement outside – to finally take your heels off and place your bare feet on the sweet, flat ground, is the best feeling in the world. Even if your feet are achy, swollen and have gained a few blisters.

12. Amnesia

The moment you wake up and your feet feel semi-normal again, all memories of your dance floor pain seem to evaporate. So when your friends ask what you’re wearing the following weekend, it’ll probably be heels…